Amanda Mushro — Page 26

10 Ways To Know You Aren’t Done Having Kids

September 26, 2013 by amushro

Deciding to add to your brood can be a difficult decision, but luckily for you, I have devised a simple quiz to help you determine if you can expect a bun in your oven in the near future.

While sitting among the ladies waiting for a pap smear at your yearly exam, you longingly look at the pregnant women and wish you were “playing for the other team”.
When you hold someone else’s baby, your ovaries make a sound like a sad trombone.
You have baby names picked out, and if someone on Facebook uses that name for their kid, you only refer to them as “name stealer” and “worst friend ever.” You also make outlandish claims that their baby looks like Winston Churchill.
You have a secret board on Pinterest where you pin ways to announce the new pregnancy and birth. Plus you really want to have a gender reveal party because they’re just cool and they didn’t have those cool things the last time you were pregnant.
Sorting through your kids’ piles of outgrown clothes is enough to send you over the edge or face first into a huge glass of wine.
Seeing a pregnant woman in the grocery store makes you sigh out loud and your uterus weep.
Your garage looks like this:
You just got a “save the date” for your cousin’s wedding that is happening on a tropical island next year, and you’re just not sure you can commit…yet.
You spent last weekend “cleaning up” the guest room.
You’ve started to kid yourself that the awful side effects of pregnancy really aren’t so wretched,“Morning sickness? Oh it wasn’t that bad!” “Who needs sleep?” “Labor and delivery? ‘Tis but a scratch!”

Results:

0 We get it, you’re done. DONE. You’ve sent your husband off to the guillotine and tossed out the baby bibs as soon as your last kid could wipe their own face.

1-3 You may have thought about having another kid, but then your current children performed their magic (tantrum, multiple trips to time out) and they cured your baby fever ASAP.

4-7 You put up a good front, but you could be convinced either way. You’ve got a mild case of baby fever, but it wouldn’t take much for you to “pull the goalie.”

8-10 Come on, who are you kidding? You already have one leg up in the stirrups.

How Much Wine is in My Glass? A Science Experiment

September 23, 2013 by amushro

Do you drink wine? Shut up, me too!

Since it’s socially unacceptable to crack open a bottle of red at 8 AM, do you wait until your kids are asleep to booze? Yes! Come on, this is just too strange! Wanna be best friends and get a BFF necklace like this:

You know what else I really love, new best friend? I love science experiments. Maybe it’s because I really loved Mr. Wizard’s World as a kid. Remember that guy?

The other night I was pouring myself a glass of wine into my favorite Pottery Barn wine glass, and the Mr. Wizard in me started to think about volume. Not the volume that my daughter can reach while she is mid-tantrum, but the volume of wine that my HUGE wine glasses can actually hold.

Now I know these aren’t normal size glasses, but my days aren’t normal sized and they call for big, fancy wine glasses that can hold the amount of “Mommy Juice” needed to take the edge off the day’s tantrums, messes, clean-ups, butt wipes, nose wipes, school drop offs, school pick up… you get the idea.

So I decided to perform a little experiment. How much wine can my Pottery Barn wine glass hold and what do these findings mean for me?

Here is my list of equipment:

Pottery Barn red wine glass
Pottery Barn white wine glass
Water
Blue food coloring

Why blue food coloring? Well blue is the most scientific color, just ask the makers of maxi-pad commercials.

Now on to my methods: these are the wine glasses full of water that is pretending to be wine. I know the glasses are a little full, but just imagine Mamma had a really bad day and stop judging for the sake of science, OK?

So how much wine do these glasses hold?

Holy cannoli that’s a lot of grape juice! Just under three cups for the white wine glass and just over three cups for the red.

I decided to consult the most reliable online source, Wikipedia, and according to them, the average “pour” for wine is five to six ounces. That looks like this:

Ridiculous? Hand me that bottle. No one has time for you to be stingy with the booze.

Now somewhere in the article is stated that the wine glass should be double in size so the wine can “aerate,” but I can’t bothered with those sorts of details.

And now the most important part of the science experiment: what conclusions did I come to.

Clearly the designer of Pottery Barn’s wine glasses was a mother that needed a break at the end of the night
Why go out and deal with stingy “pours” at stuffy restaurants when you can just fill your glass right to the rim at home?
When it seems as if there isn’t enough wine in all of Napa to ease the sting of a really rough day try this combo: jar of peanut butter in the AM and wine after the kids’ bedtime.
In the end, many of my results are still inconclusive. The only thing I can do now is further testing. Care to join me on my next round of experiments, best buddy?

Mornings are hard, old stuff in the closet, and sounds to love and hate

September 20, 2013 by amushro

What is the oldest thing in your closet? Come on, you can tell me. Wanna see mine? Well then, you have to watch the vlog for my answers!

And here is the video that refused to go into the vlog. Proof that the white noise works!!

Now tell me your answers!

Finding “The Babysitter”

September 18, 2013 by amushro

Some people will tell you that as a parent the most significant moments in child rearing are the milestones like the first time your baby walks, says “Mamma”, or is old enough to wipe their own butt. I’m here to tell you that is crap. Sure, sure those are all important moments, epic moments. However, the most important moment of a parent’s life is stumbling across a great babysitter.

Not just any old babysitter but “the babysitter.” Your go-to-gal for date night. The one that your children (and you) leap into the air for joy upon her arrival. The one that probably takes better care of your kiddos than certain family members (uh-huh, you too?). The truth is “the babysitter” doesn’t just take care of your kids; they can save your life or at least your sanity.

I knew I had found “the one” when someone inquired about my babysitter and I got all Gollum on them and referred to her as “my precious”.

I spotted our Ashley on the playground while my son ran around like a wild man, my daughter was just a tiny newborn, and I was an exhausted and overwhelmed mess. On that day, the playground was full of the usual suspects:

the nanny chatting away on her cell phone and aimlessly pushing the tiny babe on the swing while her other charge pushes your kid down in the mulch
the intimidating gang of babysitters that huddle around the park bench—don’t make eye contact, don’t make eye contact
the overzealous babysitter acting out Beauty and the Beast for her small gang of minions

And then it was like the fog lifted when I saw a little girl I knew from the mommy and me gym class scene playing with a very attentive babysitter who spoke sweetly to the tiny lady and smiled the entire time.

Strategically I scooted my daughter’s stroller up to this vision on the playground and started chatting her up. She was kind, well spoken, experienced, and in 30 seconds I had bribed her to become my new babysitter. When she agreed to watch my kids once a week Rihanna’s “We Found Love in a Hopeless Place” started playing in my head.

After two blissful years my babysitter decided to ruin my life and is going back to school to become a teacher. How dare she try to better herself and the lives of other children and not sit around to be at my beck and call on the rando days I have something to do? I kid, I kid (sorta).

Even with her packed schedule, she still squeezes us in so I can take Hubby out for his birthday and helps me out in a pinch. She’s even coming early so I can shower and get ready in peace. See, I told you this one was a gem!

So here is my advice: if you find an Ashley, “the babysitter”, move her into your house and never let her go. Be sure to feed her, but just keep her close so that she doesn’t wander too far.

And don’t you ask for her number, unless you want me to look like this:

I’m Over at One Classy Motha with Helpful Tips

September 3, 2013 by amushro

Pacifier addiction is a real and very serious issue. It effects millions of families each year. That is why I am hanging out with Kim from One Classy Motha to share my story about paci addiction and how my latest invention can help those in your family suffering from pacifier addiction. Click here to find me.

After you read my post, click around and check out what is going on at One Classy Motha; seriously she is a HOOT and you will thank me later.

Five things my kids will never be able to say to Dr. Phil

August 30, 2013 by amushro

Even the most well-intentioned parent messes up, a lot. Honestly, I’m probably giving my kids plenty of ammo if they feel the need to take their grievances national to somewhere like The Dr. Phil Show.

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the good doctor and love hearing him tell guests whose lives are in self-induced shambles “so how is that working for you?” Better yet is when he fires off a warning to a lippy guest who is getting a bit testy with his line of questioning with “this ain’t my first rodeo.”

But as much as I love Dr. Phil and his quick witted quips, I have no desire for my family to end up on daytime television boo-hooing about what I did to ruin their lives.

So before I blink and my kids have all but grown up, I want to make it clear to them…

“My mom didn’t hug and kiss me enough”– Nonsense! There is little I enjoy more than cuddling and smooching these two knuckleheads. Since they are so little, I get away with lots of mommy love, but I am fully prepared to demand a little sugar even when they are teens and they think I’m the worst thing ever. Even if my kids have officially banned PDAs, I will sneak into their rooms at night, tuck them in, and kiss their sweet faces. They should just learn now there really is no way of getting away from me.
“My mom never made sacrifices for me” Let’s see, where should I start? The stomach that I could bounce a quarter off now has the familiar “mom squish.” When I sneeze, I have to cross my legs just in case. Once I had high, perky boobs; now they just seem sad and sorta lopsided. How about the hours and hours of sleep lost? The bazillions of dollars spent on diapers, butt creams, and random baby gadgets! Lots of sacrifices, but it’s cool because you two are worth it. The stretch marks are a bit much, but I can forgive the rest.
“My mom was never in my corner”- The day that I birthed my bambinos, I gained the title of “Mamma” and “Personal Cheerleader.” So for the good, the bad, the hard, the easy, the big, and the small, no one and I mean NO ONE will cheer louder and stand stronger in their corner than their Mamma. If need be, I will bust out my pom poms from my high school cheerleader days.

Here’s the thing, I’m going to be their cheerleader as long as I’m around. That mean when they are married I will say “Hey husband/wife, who better NEVER move my kids hundreds of miles away from me, here’s a pom pom, let’s get our cheer on.” See I can share.

Is there’s something they want to do, we’ll make a plan and figure out how they can accomplish it. If their big dreams don’t work out, I’ll show them how to make new ones. Because that’s what Moms and personal cheerleaders do.

4. “My mom never tried to make us happy”– Maybe they thought we spent hours on the playground because I really enjoy the spiral slide, or the days at the pool were because I really liked the tans lines from my tankini. Clearly we watch hours of Doc McStuffins and Sesame Street because it’s such riving television. Nope, sorry, Charlie. I do these things and pretty much 99.99% of our daily activities because it makes them happy. And their dirty, smiling faces make me happy.

5. “My mom didn’t love me” Have you ever loved someone so much that it’s just too big and too fabulous to understand? Have you ever loved someone so much it actually scares the bejeezus out of you? That’s how I feel about those two.

However, if my kids wanted to take me on the Dr. Phil show for, oh I don’t know, a chance to just hang out with his wife Robin or if he is handing out tummy tucks, then yes, sign me up. Otherwise, we shall just enjoy the musings of the Dr. from the comfort of our home.

Guest Posting as the Mom of the Year During Natural Disasters

August 26, 2013 by amushro

This morning was just like every other morning: my children were awoken from their slumber by their loving mother singing perfectly tuned songs from The Sound of Music. Those lovely babes joined in for the chorus as we baked a wholesome breakfast together and rounded out the morning with a quick hot yoga session. Just kidding, one is still wearing dirty jammies, I forgot to brush the other’s teeth, and I may swing through McDonald’s for breakfast. Mornings like this are exactly why the funny, sweet, and hottie Meredith over at Mom of the Year has bestowed the honor of joining the ranks of her Mom of the Year on little ol’ hot mess me!

I started writing my acceptance speech and perfecting my pageant wave, but then she said I just needed to write a blog. So click right here to be magically transported to her page and imagine me waving and smiling while riding the Mom of the Year float, sigh…

Class reunions, what’s on my Kindle, what’s in my fridge, and what’s on my fridge: Mommy TMI vlog

August 23, 2013 by amushro

Friends, you may need to help me out because I’m a bit woozy from lack of food. You see, my class reunion is right around the corner and I am hoping that what “baby weight” (use this term loosely when the “baby” is two) that isn’t squeezed in by the almighty Spanx, will magically disappear if I eat a lot of Lean Cuisines this week. I was doing well until I baked cookies with the kids. DAM YOU CHOCOLATE CHIPS!!!

This week’s vlog is a magic bag of randomness, but I like it. Be sure to catch the giveaway, book selections, and my super secret recipe below!

Want to enter the giveaway? Then click right here!

fabsmile

Here are my book selections:

Questionable Choices in Parenting: Professional Playground Inspector

August 20, 2013 by amushro

I’ve started a new career and wanted to share it with all of you. If you’re in need of my services, no need to fear, I’m cheap! Look, I even made up a new business card for myself. Check it out:

That’s right, folks, I’m adding Professional Playground Inspector to my resume of Mamma, Diet Coke addict, human tissue, yoga pants enthusiast, and blogger.

Since we spend a vast majority of our time frequenting the local playgrounds, I have acquired the ability to access any playground and tell you in 30 seconds which devices will lead to a trip to the ER, magic mommy kisses, or Mamma wanting to add wine to her water bottle.

Now don’t you fret, I’m not one of those panicked moms that follows her kids around the playground wringing her hands and yelling things like “Not too high, sweetie” and “Be safe!!! Mommy LOVES YOU!”

My kids are the ones that hit the mulch running when they are faced with a tot lot, but I’ve learned a few things while building my Playground Inspector career; after all, I have a four-year old with a Superman complex (for real, he tries to fly) and an Evil Knievel wanna-be two-year old.

Here are the top three offenders:

While The Bridge of Death may seem harmless, don’t let its gentle downward slope fool you. Both of my kids have face planted on this bridge when they’ve run too fast or tried to get around another playgrounder. If you are out early in the morning and the fresh dew is still sparkling on the equipment, be prepared to have that hole pattern etched into your precious one’s face.

The Tunnel of Terror may seem like the typical slide, but be warned that it’s so much more. This slide has the ability to gain so much momentum and speed that your child will come flying down the tube faster than a greased pig racing downhill. So get into your catcher’s stance and be prepared to lasso your rocketed child at the bottom.

The Drop of Doom has claimed many victims. Sometimes it’s the ones with short legs, but also the ones with short attention spans. “Let’s climb to the top and….oh wait, is that a shiny rock…” Tricky, tricky, tricky.

Now it’s time for you to lace up those sneakers (or attach the velcro on your kid’s shoes), pack some Goldfish crackers and water bottles, and have fun at the playground. Just proceed with caution and remember my warnings, friends. Remember, I am a professional.

Now it’s your turn! Is there a part of the playground you steer your kids from?